NEVER in my life have I felt this kind of stress (for the lack of a better word) and I have experienced some BIG stuff. I know it has to do with just having a baby and still having to love and care for my other three children and a husband, but it doesn't make it any easier just knowing I am overwhelmed. My mind, body and soul need to take refuge and be refueled. I certainly feel like I am giving much more than I am receiving, physically, mentally and emotionally.
There are certainly days that I can actually feel God moving me forward because I just can't do it on my own. The strange part is, when I think back on the stressful time, I don't even really remember it. I remember, in my brain, the day being exceptionally hard and the children nearly sending me over the edge, but I don't recall the feelings associated with it. These are the days I know that I made it through only because God made it happen. He moved me out of my self pity and carried me through one step at a time. "Clean the mess... feed the children... change a diaper... pull Dean from danger... instruct Owen... put them for naps... BREATHE one thing at a time, until the day is done." Don't get me wrong, in those moments, minutes and even hours, I felt at the end of it all and I often just wanted to run away, but I at least was given the will and desire to make it through.
With this all being said, I do know that I need a break and time to be encouraged and gather my thoughts in a positive, uplifting way. For that reason, I am seriously looking at going to the Above Rubies retreat in April. Being away, (no cooking or cleaning) with a bunch of ladies who know what it means to live everyday with the desire to be the best wife and mother that God made me to be sounds very insightful and encouraging. Until then, my loving husband is being very gracious and gives me the time to collect myself as much as he can (he too is feeling the pains of this long winter with a new baby).
For now I accept the help that I can and remember that while God made me able to do many amazing things, He is still the one who can fuel me the best. His tank never runs on fumes. With a deep breathe I say, "Lord, you made this day what it is, guide me with your gentle mercy and grant me the grace to extend that love and mercy to those I love."
PS: I also know that I need to get some good doses of Omega 3 oils. My brain is starving for some good health and my body as well.